SekouWrites.com » Harlem Ain’t for Amateurs

Taxi? Psssych!

Sekou — Tue, 18 Jan 2011 19:04:47 +0000

I’m looking out the window of Jimbo’s on Lenox Ave. at a guy waving down a taxi. The weather is miserable– snow, rain, wind, and puddles the size of continents– so I’m surprised that the guy doesn’t hop right into the taxi as soon as it stops. Instead, he points, indicating that he wants the taxi to move to the corner. When the taxi gets there, he points again, indicating he wants the taxi to turn into the block. The taxi complies and the dude points again– now, he wants the taxi to pull parallel to a car parked on the side street. The taxi driver seems suspicious and the car is moving very slowly. Nevertheless, he pulls forward, inch by slow inch. When he gets close to the car, the man, instead of hopping in, pulls out some jumper cables that he’s already attached to the battery of the parked car and starts tapping on the hood of the taxi. I laughed out loud. After a long pause, the taxi driver finally popped the hood and let the guy get a jump. Now, that was funny. I think I would have driven off.

Overheard in Harlem: Love tap

Sekou — Mon, 10 Jan 2011 15:06:47 +0000

An older woman yelling at a young man: “Suck a dick and die! Next!”

Love connection on the bus?

Sekou — Fri, 10 Dec 2010 20:40:26 +0000

On the crowded bus, a guy near me says, “Mmmph, someone smells good!”

He looks around and his eyes finally settle on the man standing next to him, who looks away immediately.

A few beats later, the first guy leans in towards the other man and whispers, “What you wearing, bruh?”

The second guy ignores him. The first guy repeats himself. Finally the second guy yells,”What!?”

The first guys stops whispering and says in a normal voice, “I just meant what kind of cologne you got on– something smells good.”

“Well, it ain’t me,” the second guy continued defensively.

I wanted to howl. Took all my self-control not to laugh out loud. Was that a down-low #hollahfail??

Overheard in Harlem apt bldg

Sekou — Thu, 09 Dec 2010 17:51:34 +0000

Woman rings doorbell.

Muffled: Hello?

Woman in hallway: “Its me! You in the bathroom?”

Muffled reply.

Woman in hallway, laughing: “Take your time. I’ll come back.”

-> I’m so mad at both of them. Why would you yell that out in the hallway? And why would you ask who’s at the door while using the bathroom? Is it just me? Maybe it’s just me but, uh, boo and hiss. Say it with me: Harlem Ain’t For Amateurs. -smh-

I got that sugar

Sekou — Wed, 08 Dec 2010 17:20:26 +0000

There’s a guy selling “diabetic” cakes and pies on Lenox and 137th. That’s both genius and saddening. Bet they don’t have those in Westchester County.

Ice, Ice, Baby …

Sekou — Tue, 07 Dec 2010 17:44:59 +0000

I saw Ms. Odd Eater at Jimbo’s. This time she ordered a cup of ice and ate one piece at a time with her fingers while she cackled on the phone. That’s all she ate. Not the oddest thing I’ve seen her eat but still odd, right?

You’re pretty! But not really.

Sekou — Wed, 01 Dec 2010 00:29:13 +0000

I’m walking down Lenox this morning when a cute girl in knee-high black suede boots walks past me. Right then, I thought to tell her that perhaps Lenox and 135th wasn’t the place for her to be in that outfit. I mean, she should be able to dress any way she wants but in this neighborhood, you’d better think twice. So, anyway, she gets a few yards ahead of me and an older man near the curb starts in on her with his thick Caribbean accent: “Ooooohh girl, I could see you on the catwalk, y’know?” She smiles (how could she not?) and gives a half wave, not even lifting her arm above her waist. His response to her meager encouragement? “C’mon, let me take you to the beauty shop now. Ya hear me?” He kept yelling this after her for about a block. Now, correct me if I’m wrong but isn’t he dissing her looks with the beauty shop offer?? Or maybe it was his willingness to spend money on her that was designed to woo. Either way … wack. Complete #hollahfail. She never looked back again.

Overheard in Harlem:

Sekou — Mon, 22 Feb 2010 15:05:30 +0000

“If I know you, I won’t shoot at you.”

Another Harlem tale

Sekou — Wed, 03 Feb 2010 16:01:11 +0000

At the local diner this morning: A woman walks inside to ask for napkins for her runny nose– it’s 17 degrees. Meanwhile her homegirl holds the door to the diner wide open for her. First woman proceeds to strike up a conversation with the cashier and her homegirl outside (“Ya’ll serve breakfast up in here?” “Girl, they got breakfast! You ever ate here!?”). Dude next to me at the register says what I’m thinking: “Let the door go! It’s cold!”). Their priceless reply? “Shut up! Zip yo’ damn coat up!” I should have eaten breakfast at home.

Seen on 125th

Sekou — Tue, 26 Jan 2010 17:41:23 +0000

I’ve seen it all now. I can safely retire from Harlem living. On 125th street, in broad daylight with plenty of people walking by, I saw a man take a leak on (yes, on) a parked SUV. I don’t know what else to say. To answer your most obvious question: No, he was not trying to be discreet in any possible way. I walked by again later– the SUV had a dark triangle on it’s side. Evidence that I didn’t make the whole thing up. -smh-